Ineptitude

Hey everybody!

Sorry about last week not including anything on the blog. (Or should I say you’re welcome?) Well I had some business to take care of. That business was to take a stroll down memory lane or more specifically take a drive down 13th in Fargo and 8th in Moorhead, MN. 10 years ago I was finishing up my education up there and was surviving in my meal plan that I’m still paying for and ramen. At the end I literally ate ramen every time my meal plan ran out even though I had 2 jobs. Then I moved home and lived in my parent’s basement. The End.

What was also happening ten years ago Denny Green was finishing up his tenure at the Minnesota Vikings after a 5-11 season. We beat the Packers 35-13 once that year with someone named Doug Chapman running the ball and Daunte Culpepper taking or fumbling the snaps with his incredibly small hands.

Thinking about what the future would be after Denny Green, no one may have guessed that ten years later the franchise would have gone through 3 coaches, numerous scandals(someone with Randy Moss and some without), Brett Favre being QB for the Packers and repeatedly schooling us except for 1 playoff game which is now only remembered because Randy Moss became a mime after a decisive touchdown, then Favre became our QB, got piledrived, suplexed, and DDT after the play was over and took us to a field goal to go to the Superbowl, decided he couldn’t run 5 yards and then it was all over. Now we have to face the defending Superbowl champions, with Asher Allen (because Chris Cook is 6 foot 2 inches of idiot) trying to stop the Packers 7 wide receivers who get the ball, with a rookie quarterback playing his first game, while the state struggles to decide whether to build the team a new stadium while the NFL says get a stadium or the team will probably move to LA.

In no way am I compulsively eating chicken and oriental flavored ramen repeatedly while listening to “Drops of Jupiter” and “Lady Marmalade” over and over on a black and white screened Ipod with a v - neck Abercrombie and Fitch t-shirt on. Is it too late to sign Doug Chapman?

I wanted to talk stadiums as there is a chance all this hand wringing will be done and the LA Vikings will play the San Diego Chargers twice a year. It’s an interesting discussion as you look back at other stadium deals in the last decade and how some insight from the NBA can add a different perspective to how we talk about it. The main sentiment here is no taxpayer should have to pay for a private business especially in an American economic equivalent to M. Night Shyamalan’s last 3 movies (recent pop culture reference!)  because the American people have decided to simultaneously treat their money either like Gordon Gekko (80s reference!), Latrell Sprewell (90s!), or Lenny Dykstra (80s and 90s!). For those of you playing the Superbowl Shuffle pop culture reference drinking game you are now drunk. Pretend reader, do not blame me for playing a game that no one could have possibly invented that fictionally inebriated you based on my delusions. The American economy sounds like this right now:



ANYWAY, we’ll talk stadiums later.


Since I didn’t have a Week 6 preview and I got a lot of calls, emails and letters asking for one. Here it is:

Week 6:

Kardiac Kidz vs Bangers - The Kidz will make their run starting today as they have Miles Austin back against questionable NE defense and a promising Victor Cruz seems to be the leading receiver in NY. The Bangers lineup...I mean look at it....yuck...50 points max this week.

Big Ben’s Lifecoaches vs Mono Peligroso : the Lifecoaches are need to get to .500 but Ahmad Bradshaw will be shut down this week so the hope is that Chad Ochocinco travels back in time and switches places with Chad Johnson from 2005 to help the cause. On the other side expect Peyton Hillis to have a breakthrough game. Being on the cover of Madden seems to inspire those players to greatness the next year.

Team Boy’s Club vs Brookdale Mall - This is my choice for the highest scoring game of the week as Brookdale Mall has running backs that are playing tough defenses and Boys Club running backs have the chance to score big against easy defenses. Expect James Starks and Adrian Peterson to have big games. It’s gonna be a blowout one way or another.  

Rain Dancer vs Big Blows - Rain Dancer is on a 3 game winning streak and needs Eli Manning, who is definitely better than Mark Sanchez, to have a big game because Fred Jackson and Frank Gore have some tough matchups. The Big Blows have their best lineup out there as Jordy Nelson and Jonathan Stewart look on their way out.

Fumble/Mumble vs Team Kent - Losing Chris Johnson to bye week will be difficult for Fumble/Mumble but Team Kent is inadvisably starting Rashard Mendenhall who is hurt and probably won’t do much this week. Should be a close game.

So hear is a Week 7 look:

Big Blows vs. Fumble Mumble: The future father in law vs the future son in law. Does the son in-law let his father in law win to gain favor? What will happen to the engagement if the father in law loses?  Is there a mysterious person making moves for father in law behind the scenes? Do the women involved in this situation even care? This would make for the worst romantic comedy movie ever. I’m gonna call it “The Waiver Wire.”

Team Kent: Big Ben’s Life Coaches - Kent is projected for 133 and Lifecoaches 75. Is 133 even possible without Brady? Is it possible for CJ Spiller to make history by being on a bye week and still scoring points? We will see.

Mono Peligroso vs. Team Boys Club - Vick’s on a bye and Hillis is out. It’s now up to Doug Baldwin and Jackie Battle to come through for Peligroso. That is the first time anyone has said that sentence ever. Boys Club has 6 normal starters on bye this week so Drew Brees and Adrian Peterson will need to dominate the points and hopefully someone else will step up.

Brookdale Mall vs. Kardiac Kidz - Brookdale’s on a 3 game winning streak but has some unproven running backs in this weeks and looks to be over .500 against a struggling Kidz team that was hurt by their #1 pick being out for the year Week 2. Will someone on the Kidz make a move to save this team? Will there be a trade or a Waiver Wire pick up to turn this around?

Levanger’s Bangers vs. Rain Dancer - I’m gonna go ahead and say that these 2 don’t like each other. I’m gonna go ahead and say that after this week is over these 2 will meet somewhere halfway in the Twin Cities and shake hands like Jim Harbaugh and Jim Schwartz did last week. Which one will untuck their shirt? Which one will uncomfortably bump shoulders with the other and transfer all the blood platelets in their body to their face? I like to imagine that when they meet after this week they will both be wearing headsets and khakis.

I'm going to end this as one of my sons is sitting next to me and reading a book that has "Lonely" in big letters in the title. Have a good week!

Bye Bye Bye!!!!!

Holla!

It’s the first bye week which to me is kind of like the first day of spring. Everything is the same yet everything looks and feels different. While you are pondering that philosophically bankrupt thought, I’m on to bigger and better things. What would that be you ask? That is what you are asking right? I mean at this point in my commisionership I’m assuming that everyone clicks on the link to the blog say “What is that guy doin next?” I’m like the Lady Gaga of fantasy football blogs. The analogy works because I’m explosively creative and because I wear a meat suit while I type these.

The answer to the question buried in the paragraph above is that I’m watching the Ohio State vs Nebraska game. It’s quite the game as when I started Ohio State was up by 21 and now they are down by 7. Donovan McNabb just clicked “like” next to this game on Facebook.

Anyway, Ohio State and Nebraska have a long history of winning teams. Ohio State has won 7 national championships, won 7 Rose Bowls and 36 Conference titles and in 2010 only lost once the entire season. With their star QB Terrelle Pryor coming back the next year things were looking up when it was discovered before the Sugar Bowl that five players including Pryor had violated NCAA guidelines for trading memorobilia and equipment for tattoos at a local tattoo parlor. What was worse is that Jim Tressell, the head coach had know about it for about a year and did not report the violations to the OSU compliance office. This brought about a firestorm of negative media leading to Tressell’s resignation, suspensions for the players, and vacating winning 2011 season.

This is not uncommon in college football and in many cases the violations of NCAA rules have been even more serious. Like in the case of SMU in the 80s, boosters bribed high school kids to commit to play for SMU, including NFL legend Eric Dickerson. SMU eventually destroyed the entire football program which resulted in 2 entire seasons being canceled and the following years not even able to field a football team to compete as they lost 55 scholarships over 4 years. Let’s face it NCAA Division 1 football and baskeball are professional sports where the product is amateurs. It’s like a for profit business where the employees live and eat in the companies building but are ultimately volunteers. The intention of the NCAA is right but the execution is wrong just about the time that TV contracts and game attendance gets involved.

The good news is professional players don’t have these problems right? Well yes, they don’t need to care about accepting money or talking with agents because that is now a large part of their job. It doesn’t stop them from upping the ante on delinquency and overall creepiness. I mean there is no way that highly paid professionals with an image and advertising revenue at stake could risk it all to be involved in a fight that eventually killed someone. Or renting a boat to turn Lake Minnetonka into Lake Havasu. Or doing anything that would involve the word “Whizzinator” or “domestic dispute.” Right now I have 2 fantasy teams and I can pick out five key players on those teams whose job application to a Chick fil a would be shredded because of what we in the hood like to refer to as “priors.”

Kenny Britt - one count of reckless driving and two counts of resisting arrest. (Is it possible to resist arrest twice during one stop? He can show you.) He was playing well this year until he was injured for the year.

Michael Vick – I’m not going into details because it was all over the news and a description would include the word heinous and creepy multiple times. 2 year prison term. Just signed a huge deal with Nike and with the Eagles.

Cam Newton – During is stint at Auburn, evidence came to light that his dad had solicited colleges to get large sums of money in return for Cam playing at their school. He was ineligible for 3 days and won a national championship. He is now a candidate for NFL rookie of the year. I’m starting him this week.

Santonio Holmes – This list may have also been Ike Turner’s resume in the 70s.

2006 – Disorderly conduct, domestic violence, assault

2008- Drug Possession

2010 – Threw a glass at someone in a nightclub. Not initially charged with anything but the case is reopened. Got kicked off an airplane for refusing to turn of his iPOD

Dez Bryant – Improper contact with Deion Sanders during college(This sounds incredibly funny as I type this). Anytime you have Deion Sanders as an adviser you know somewhere you took a really wrong turn. Also took hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of jewelry and allegedly did not pay for it. Case has supposedly being settled. He’s the #1 wide receiver on the Cowboys currently.

Brandon Marshall – I’m afraid to type this one just in case he googles his name and randomly this blog appears.  Assault of a police officer, disorderly conduct, resisting arrest, DUI, illegal lane change (?), no liscense and registration (look out!), misdemeanor battery. Not of his doing, his wife allegedly stabbed him in the stomach and was charged with aggravated battery with a deadly weapon.  All joking aside, in his case an exception needs to be made as he has been diagnosed with borderline personaliy disorder and is seeking treatment. There have been no other incidents since he started treatment.

Ultimately what’s bothersome about me talking about this subject is this is a game. It’s a game that is designed for kids to play and is supposed to be for kids to watch athletes performing at the peak of their physical capabilities and talent. Yet, since kids have no money, it’s designed now for adults who love and loved sports back when they remember it as a simple game. For the most part, it’s designed for sports geeks (a distinction I plan to talk about in another post). With the kind of coverage we have of sports now it’s difficult for me to endorse with my viewership to my kids sports that are predominantly positive but make questionable ethical decisions and adopt scrupulous tactics to maintain popularity. Whether it’s politics or movies and television or religious leaders or sports when you marry celebrity with large sums of money it’s very easy to simultaneously break laws and rules and maintain your career with punishments being incredibly light relative to any lower or middle class bloke   committing the same infractions. You can blame Roger Goodell or special interest groups or the media but they aren’t the ones that sit through the ads before and after every kickoff, every halftime. They aren’t the ones on ESPN.com or buying the jerseys or tickets. In a way, we’ve perpetuated a subculture that champions productivity over ethics and benefit over cost.  Hopefully, this subculture does not become the culture.

On that note a crazy whacky video!!!!!!!!!!!!

We are ¼ of the way into the regular season and here are the standings. 

Let’s look at the matchups this week.

Levanger’s Bangers vs. Team Boys Club – Much like Kanye West, the Bangers are back after a tough 2010. They took down their archrivals Peligroso last week and won the non-optional, unabashedly corporte GMC sponsored Never Say Never award last week. “GMC :  Our 2050 business plan:  You will be forced to live in your truck because the apocalypse has leveled all buildings and cars except ours. Our patented scavenger cam will help you identify and neutralize trespassers before they sneak up on your to steal your remaining Chef Boyardee cans. GMC: surviving the apocalypse. ” Team Boys Club is going to keep the streak alive as the last remaining undefeated team. Worst to first so far.

Kardiac Kidz vs. Big Ben’s Lifecoaches – It’s been a tough low-scoring year for the Kidz and Bill Hall hope to get some solace by winning his fantasy Ohio St. vs Michigan game against his son Chris Hall whose top scorer was Greg Olsen last week which tells you how he did.

Big Blows vs. Brookdale Mall – The Blows dominated the reigning champ last week and look to continue against Brookdale who was starting to look like the Brookdale mall itself but got his first win last week thanks to consistent performances all around by his players.

Rain Dancer vs We Don’t Fumble We Mumble: Brother in law vs future brother in law as Rain Dancer hopes to say “welcome to the family” with a punch in the face in the form of Chris Johnson this week. Fumble Mumble has a 2010 lineup that has been playing likeit’s 2015 and they are all past their prime. Hopefully he can get something out of the 2010 all stars.

Team Kent vs Mono Peligroso – Will Beanie Wells come through for Team Kent? Should anyone named Beanie even be given a football in the NFL? These are questions that will be answered this week as Team Kent wipes away the tears from the first loss last week and tries to overcome the bye and the loss of Rashad Mendenhall. Peligroso hopes to get over .500 and use Mendenhall’s handcuff Isaac Redman to beat Team Kent over the head incessantly and avenge his 1 point loss in the championship. Revenge is best served cold or in this case in the form of a former Golden Gopher.

Everybody have a great week!

Dogs and Cats Living Together

Hellooooo, is it me your looking foooor?

It’s week 4 and a I’m not sure what to say anymore. We’ve somehow ended up on some alternate universe or we are trapped in a vortex that has flipped all conventional knowledge on it’s head. For your viewing pleasure take a look at the standings in the NFL so far:



That’s right this is 2011 and not 1992. The Bills are on top. The Lions are undefeated. Oakland and the Browns are legit. The Redskins are winning with Rex Grossman. Tom Brady is throwing multiple interceptions and wearing women’s shoes. Adrian Peterson get’s the ball 5 times in the 2nd half. Chad Henne looks like a QB. Tavaris Jackson has a contract with an NFL team. Delmon Young is hitting homeruns on a legitimate playoff team. Gene Simmons is married. Biff is the richest, most powerful person in the world and the McFlys are his servants.  Basically this:

http://youtu.be/O3ZOKDmorj0

Same goes for our league as the last place team (Boys Club) is undefeated. So, as commissioner, I’ve given up. I can know longer be counted on in this brave new world to fulfill my duties. So I’ve decided to pass my duties on to my 5 year old son, Isaac to preview this week. While we’re at it since it’s “opposite day” for the entire world, all the time...why not make some money on it. So below is Isaac’s picks for each NFL game this week. Call your bookie, call Vegas, call your friends. It’s time to make some money:



I’ve also asked him to pick who he thinks will win for each game in our league. So he’s picked the winner and then his reasoning. Here it is below:

Team Kent vs Big Blows - Big Blows - “Is that a tornado? I have a fire truck which has a blaster that throws grenades.“

Fumble Mumble vs Boys Club -  Fumble Mumble -” Kids wearing football helmets would be crazy.”

Rain Dancer vs. Kardiac Kidz -Rain Dancer - “ Indians give you more food and build more tents.”

Brookdale Mall vs Lifecoaches - Life Coaches - “I like the football helmet. Owen are you crashing my trucks?”

Mono Peligroso vs Levangers Bangers - Levangers Bangers -  “I like the explosion one because if the other team has a monkey that would be silly. “

Take heed. This is our new reality.May God help us all. Enjoy your week.