Superbowl Shuffle Playoff Index

Hey y’all,

It could be the tryptophan, it could be the laziness of this weekend, it could be the sedatives but I’ve been staring at this screen for a while now. Combined with playing with the kids, eating more food, checking the news, checking my email, reorganizing my news reader, doing some christmas shopping, and generally wasting time. This should be the time that I get motivated. It’s an exciting time! 2 more games in the regular season! The playoff picture is almost solidifying both literally and figuratively! If you make the playoffs all you have to do is get hot and you have a shot! Peyton Hillis might play! Tebow!  Cam Newton! Caleb Hanie!? Ndmaknoaskng Suh should get Ndamakaonsfgakg sued! Twilight is killin it at the box office...Go Team Jacob!! The NBA went from break up to make up! Black Friday happened and despite every effort by fellow shoppers, no one died! I may actually take a shower today! (TMI)






So instead of regaling you on tales of the life and times of RJB, below is the Playoff Index for each team. Above is the projected playoff picture as of today. Check out your team and where you stand and then check below to find out what it takes to make the playoffs or improve your standing in the playoffs. It’s difficult given my current state, to make each playoff picture interesting to you so I thought I would illustrate each team with one of them moving pictures that the kids like so much. A picture is worth a thousand words so SLOW DOWN is what I say to these “movies” and stop being so dramatic. NEVER LIKED IT!!!!!!


Just to note: the tie breaker this year is not head to head wins but by who has the most “Points For” of the 2 teams.



Here are the scenarios:

Rain Dancer - #2 and #3 must win both games and Dancer must lose both games and must have most “Points For” in order to unseat Rain Dancer. Guaranteed to be in the playoffs. Everybody say way hoooooo: http://youtu.be/rLwskYZ74_E


Team Kent -  Needs 2 wins and a Boys Club loss in order to get 2nd place. A split and the most “Points For” wins. Guaranteed to make playoffs. If he can pull it off Chuck Norris would approve: http://blip.tv/play/hLEMgefHUgA

Team Boys Club - Needs 2 wins and a Kent loss in order to get 2nd place. A split and the most “Points For” wins. Guaranteed to make the playoffs.When I think of this team and it’s fall out of first play,  I first have a good cry and then I watch this video: http://youtu.be/KolfEhV-KiA


Big Ben’s Life Coaches - has a chance at #2 with a #2 or # 3 loss and 2 wins. Could also be 8th with 2 losses and a whole bunch of wins by the other teams. And anywhere in between. Guaranteed to make the playoffs. These playoff scenarios are about as confusing as this video: http://youtu.be/nECoe4eCp_o


Big Blows - Needs a #2 loss and 2 wins to make the #2 spot. But could also be the 8 seed with a 2 losses and the right teams winning. Guaranteed to make the playoffs.It’s like this: http://youtu.be/4d4rdat3HdA I’m not sure if I still don’t understand how this works because Bjork doesn’t know what she’s talking about or if I just don’t understand what she’s saying


Brookdale Mall - Needs a #2 loss and 2 wins to make the #2 spot. But could also be the 8 seed with a 2 losses and the right teams winning.  Time to shred!!!!: http://youtu.be/1JBzWZq4fXg

Mono Peligroso -  At this point it’s clear #2 is a possibility for almost anyone [insert joke here]. With 2 wins and 2 losses Mono could be 2nd place or they could be 8th. Either way they are in the playoffs. Please keep in mind that while we are doing this, 6th graders are doing this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=ehDAP1OQ9Zw. We will all be replaced soon with newer models. It’s called natural selection. I can only hope that my 5 year old will be programming the interlinks in 10 years and will be able to pay my mortgage.

Levanger’s Bangers - This is where missing the playoffs begins. Right now they will make the playoffs but could still miss with 2 losses  and Fumble Mumble pulling off 2 wins. Win and in! Win and in! Win and in! WWMBD: What would Michael Bolton do!:
http://blip.tv/found-footage-festival/michael-bolton-s-winning-softball-3132324

Fumble! Mumble! - You can win 2 games so far this season and still make it into the playoffs.The chance of this team making it looks like this: http://youtu.be/u6BX-bUoE5E
It will take a miracle. It will take some chutzpah and some serendipity. Ask yourself “Do you believe?”....and then go calm down because this is only fantasy football.

Kardiac Kidz - It’s over for the Kidz. This year was a lot like this: http://youtu.be/LEdYf4SGhuI They can’t make the playoffs but they can try to do some damage at the consolation. Or suffer the consequences of last place. Yikes....

GMs: The Best Never Rest

Good morning/afternoon all you Tebowlievers  and soon to be Tebow converts. As I’m sure you heard at the water cooler on Friday what happened at Thursday’s game because either you are like most of the US and don’t have the NFL network or could not sit through a game that stilted and ugly with a clear conscience. To say the game was boring would be like saying Prince is a little eccentric. That was until the last minute of the game where Tebow, like the the patron saint of one dimensional skill sets, was able to run 30 yards untouched into the end zone. Apparently “Revis Island” is much like the island in the show “Lost’ where at any given time through a metaphysical wormhole the island moves to a different less effective location. The hole he ran through was so wide that Rex Ryan could have jogged through it while simultaneously eating a KFC Famous Bowl.

ANYWAY, this is the kind of year that sports geeks love because they are forced into one of two dreams of theirs via fantasy football. The first is to be an ESPN Sportscenter broadcaster and the other is the be a GM. I never knew anyone who wanted to be a coach. All they wanted to do is evaluate players, do a little math about salaray,  pick players, and see how they do during the game to see if they could have been the Theo Epstein of fantasy football or David Kahn (but he landed Rubio!). No game plans, no massaging egos in the locker room, no gameday decisions as a GM. You do all the prep work and then you sit back and let others make the best out of your decisions...done and done.

There is however a reason it’s called fantasy. The Fargo-Moorhead Redhawks have been a part of the Northern League  which is an independent minor league baseball league called the American Association of Independent Professional baseball. One of the teams in this association is the St. Paul Saints. The Redhawks have boasted such stars as Chris Coste, Ruben Salazar, and Daryl Motley.. During the fall of my sophomore year of college, one of my buddies had tickets to a Redhawks game and invited me to go. His uncle just so happened to be the general manager of the team so we had tickets in the front row right behind the dugout. This game would decide whether the Redhawks would be league champions that year.

By the way, did you know that Jose Canseco has a twin brother? It’s true! In fact if you ever line up for an autograph for Jose be careful. Ask Jose something that only he would know, like what is it like to play a full season in the MLB or what is it like to hit a home run. Well the nice thing about being an independent baseball league is you can attract attention by signing a recognizable name. The Saints had Daryl Strawberry for a while. Remember when a minor  league team had Michael Jordan? 

Anyway, Ozzie Canseco was on the Redhawks and was batting in either 4 or 5 that night. In the 5th or 6th inning, Ozzie looked less like Canseco and more like Osbourne at bat and struck out looking. A consummate professional, he argued with the umpire on the call from the dugout and, thinking the ump might need a drink, tossed the entire cooler out on field. Ejected from the game, Ozzie was not seen again until the Redhawks won the game. The Redhawks celebrated by running around the field and  dowsing the crowd with some champagne. One of the infielders dumped a bunch of champagne on me from the top of the dugout and that is the closest to feeling like I won anything athletic in my life. During the party on the field Ozzie made an appearance, in a polo shirt and some 1980’s khaki shorts, with his hands in his pockets and emotionless, like he was waiting in line at the DMV( which he is used to by now). I found out later that immediately after the ejection Canseco came up to the GM’s office and demanded the team buy him a ticket to Central America right away because he was done with this team had to leave right now. Apparently he was like this all season. I imagine it was from the whey protein he took to keep in shape.  So it just goes to show that with general managers it isn’t all passive and analytical. That’s why we have video games and fantasy leagues.

So how are we all doing as GMs? To me it’s not always your record that shows how well you’ve done. Whether it’s injuries or over the hill players or Desean Jackson, they weren’t what you thought they were and you have to use the waiver wire to just to make it to .500. Sometimes it’s an achievement just to break even.

Well here are some illustrations on how a season can change and how we all have responded.

Below is the top 40 picks of the draft. You’ll see big names like Felix Jones, Miles Austin, and Peyton HIllis.


It’s easy to see the players that were picked and didn’t live up to their position. But what about the players that didn’t get picked the first 4 rounds. As of this week here is a link to how the draft should have went if we picked players based on total points this year.  2011 Scoring leaders. Lots of QBs right? I looked at my first 4 rounds and determined that I would have picked 4 QBs based on the leaderboard right now. Also, Fred Jackson is a man!!!! He’s 40!!!

Also Matt Hasselbeck is outscoring most of the top 10 running backs. The draft is all about strategy guys!!! I don’t know how many times I told you guys to make sure you draft an aging QB on a run first team with little WR depth. Come on, guys we need to step it up next year.

So how have we, as a league responded? Well here is a link to our current rosters and how many of each starting lineup is starters and how many are free agents. This isn’t a perfect analysis since it’s bye week but nonetheless it’s interesting: Rosters

Unofficially I think I counted that 55-60 % of our lineups are from Free Agency with the teams with the best records emulating that percentage. So the draft can’t kill your season necessarily, as long as you use the wavier wire.

So everyone put their fantasy GM thinking caps on this week as we all have until 11/23/11 to make a trade and transform the season. Remember last year Mono Peligroso traded for Michael Vick and he was a major contributor to Mono’s run through the playoffs. We have 8 out of 10 teams in the playoffs this year so anything can happen.

Get your GM on!

Here are the lines:

Freaks and Geeks

So this weekend posed another challenge to this blog getting done. This week’s gauntlet has consisted of house projects which are both ambitious and necessary. We’re both very productive and very tired all the time lately. I also had to upgrade phones and will now be cutting my family’s meal plan from 3 meals a week to 2 and from brushing every day to brushing once a week. Here’s to hoping Owen and Isaac know someone who is a dental hygenist or can get an appointment at the dental school when they are 30. Daddy needs a better camera for his phone!

Anyway, while not managing a house that seems to systematically scheme to make more work for you the more you get done, or gambling my children’s future health. I had a chance late last night to see a documentary about fantasy football. It was pretty boring and the production value probably equals my new toothpaste budget but what was interesting was they tracked down and interviewed the players. Amazingly these were players from the MN Vikings in probably 2006-2007. Players like Chester Taylor and Artose Pinner...were we ever so young? Well every player basically said this “I don’t know anything about it but people come up to me all the time and say “You helped me win the pot in my league” and I say “That’s great! were is my cut?” It helped me realize something that I’ve thought about for a while.

Best as I can tell, most people can be defined by one or more if these labels when it comes to a positive response to sports:

- Casual Enthusiast - Willing to follow the sport enough to talk to it and maybe watch it live once in a while.

- Athlete - Sports is something they actively participate in for their own personal health, social, and character building benefits. The best way to do this is to do something organized and competitive.

- Sports Geeks: Did not or currently does not play sports but follows it, thinks critically about it, analyzes it.....I’m not sure how to define it in a sentence. Here are some, you might be a Sports Geek if examples. Hopefully Jeff Foxworthy doesn’t read this and get bent out of shape with me copying him. If he is reading, hey Jeff, this is a blog that exists for like 12 people. I get it you made a bajillion dollars by this stereotyping gimmick. I just want to use it once because I’m unoriginal and I’m in need some vehicle to express this point. So get over it and please get rid of the creepy 80s mustache. It’s almost as bad as my creepy 90’s goatee that I wore in the aughts.

Here it is. You might be a Sports Geek if...

- You bought baseball/football/basketball/hockey cards as a kid but that’s not all you did. You kept them in mint condition and bought a pricing guide to try and sell them...as a kid. Extra points if you still have them because you’re convinced you can retire on that Jeff Hostetler rookie card as long as you keep it safe for 50 more years (he won a Superbowl for pete’s sake!). Picture this: I have a plenty of hair but have a comb over haricut, I’m sitting in an abandon Woolworths on a nice summer Saturday morning behind a folding chair. Next to me are older ladies selling knick knacks and wooden bears that say “Welcome.” The biggest highlight of my day is that someone bought a 1986 Ellis Burke card from me for 50 cents. I’m naively unaware of how impossible I’m making it for girls to even think about talking to me in the next 5 years. Any movie music scorer would play “Owner of a Lonely Heart” in the background. if this were the scene in a movie. I need

- You got as many autographs from players as you could. Maybe an inane former player came to your school to talk about drugs. Maybe it’s because he has stories of driving his Carolla through a ditch for a couple miles after a “get together with friends” during the offseason back in the 80s and then running naked through a corn field because the children of the corn were threatening him through his head speakers.. He’s just looking out for your best interests and wants to make sure you don’t end up like he did. Physically talented, too young to make adult decisions, overpaid in his generation, short career, underpaid in the next generation after inflation. Why not get his autograph on a non-descript notebook while you’re at it? Better yet get it on a baseball/football card because the card from his 7th year when he was injured half the season is worth way more.

- You can make jokes with other sports geeks about severely inane sports details and not only do they understand but they laugh too. The rest of the world is collectively and simultaneously ambivalent and embarrassed for you.

- You listen to sports talk radio as your primary radio station and seriously consider calling in from time to time to discuss the latest news (please read here: give uneducated, inexperienced opinion on how general local athlete to be named isn’t entertaining the caller the right way as a part of their job and/or argue with the host about said baseless opinion)

- While corporate tax writeoffs and fair weather “I want the experience once a year” ticket holders probably make the majority of the revenue for the team, you stick with the team through the lean years, get overlooked when the team is successful attendance is high and get patronized during the lean years when you may be their only source of revenue. When the bad times come like, I don’t know let’s say a lockout, the owners don’t care what you want, the players don’t care what you want. Both sides assume that when they offer their product again that you’ll be there like you were before.  And you probably will be right there waiting again. Any other business would fold with this business model because they are not a monopoly. I have to say I will still enjoy watching Harrison Barnes and Jared Sullinger this year. There’s a good chance all the former NBA sponsors and networks may agree. Enough talk about it because it’s too stupid to talk about.

- Not only will you play Madden and try to get it every year. You will play Franchise mode and draft all of your players. Sometimes you will simulate 10 years ahead just to manage the lineups because it’s quicker than having to play each game.

- You get legitimately angry when the team you are rooting for doesn’t just lose a close, bitterly fought game to their rivals but smiles and jokes it up with the opposition after the game. You assume and wish everyone on your team was a permanent resident of the city and hated those other teams like you hate them.

Anyhoo, I was both an athlete and a Sports Geek at one time. I used to be predominately an athlete but I don’t qualify anymore as I haven’t played organized sports in any fashion in about 6 years so I’m officially a sports geek. I’ve had to think about whether my participation in fantasy football is on the geek side or not. It’s clear that a pure athlete based on my definition above is not really a sports geek and may not even be a sport enthusiast (see Bernard Berrian or Ricky Williams). In fact they may not even know the current standings or the score of the game they are playing. They don’t need to because their talent and effort is what their paycheck is for... not for tracking other peoples stats.

So for a long time I thought FF was considered geeky because it just couldn’t hold up to the athletes more utilitarian view of sports or the casual enthusiasts diversified interests. But imagine if it was 25 years ago and I told you that there were a certain amount of people in 2011 that would communicate with each other via electronic mail and computer applications that would be on machines. These people would carry these machines with them all the time and would spend half their attention span on them in social situations. The Izod shirt, Levi’s 501, Member’s only jacket wearing fictional person I made up would say it would be all the nerds. The “neo maxi-zoom dweebies” of the world. Bender from the Breakfast Club  would push them up against a locker, punch them in the face, and then do the fist pump while Simple Minds plays in the background. Well those dweebies are smartphone users and are 125 million strong in the US. I guarantee that all members of Metallica have smartphones. They are probably on Facebook and Twitter. What was anti social and weird has become socially acceptable and popular. Bender probably has a blackberry that he stole from someone’s locker.

Fantasy football can be no different at least on a smaller scale. It’s not enough for pro athletes to be patronized in to having us believe that we need to take football more seriously. There is nothing more crazy than a football purist who thinks that you play through concussions and that everyone should be so serious about this GAME that they cannot be entertained by end zone celebrations or the crazy personalities in the NFL. They are the same people that scoff at fantasy football and say that individual stat line listings at games and on the TV ticker is ridiculous. The irony is that there is an estimated 19 million leagues in the US and all these people watch adds sandwich between the start and end of a 10 second kickoff to see if Desean Jackson might actually catch a pass for once this week. This is a game, it’s entertainment, that is it’s utility to society and if fantasy football captures the attention of 5 million people  who now know who Roy Helu is then football purists should be ecstatic. At least football isn’t just for sports geeks, gamblers, and former athletes anymore. Bender’s team name is the “Barry Manilow Wardrobe Raiders.”


Well it’s week 10 and we have 4 more weeks until the end of the regular season which means it’s the 4th quarter so to speak. Or according to this kid it’s go time!:



USA!USA!USA!USA!


Kent vs Kidz - The Kidz managed a tie last week against their archrivals the Lifecoaches. They have a 22 point head start this week against Team Kent who is defending his title well and is #1 in the Einhorn division and #2 overall.
Boys Club vs Dancer: The Boys were handed a tough loss last week to Big Blows. Without a bye week in the way this week she hopes to come back and establish the same dominance in the league as she once had. The Rain Dancers look to take over the top of the league and say “We’re the dancers”
Peligroso vs Blows: Peligroso is like the Patriots this year, storied franchise that is a little better than average but just not the same team. With the resurgence of Michael Turner and the potential of Michael Vick and Julio Jones that could change quickly. The Big Blows have Aaron Rodgers, the highest scoring player in the league and have a 23 point head start thanks to Michael Bush...or should I say thanks to the Chargers D. OH SNAP!
Lifecoaches vs Fumble Mumble - No bye week, no major injuries get in the way of Fumble Mumble trying to get one of the last playoff spots. Will the tie on Week 8 help? Is it better just to do fractional scoring? What is love? Baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me, no more. The Lifecoaches don’t want to risk giving FM a chance to oust them and have  a 3-1-1 record since Week 5 without Andre Johnson and without Ahmad Bradshaw this week. Can CJ Spiller equal Ahmad Bradshaw? Only if the question is are they both football players.
Mall vs. Bangers: I guess you could say that in real life it was Brookdale Mall vs. the Bangers too. The Bangers ultimately won and Brookdale Mall is vacant and desolate. Will it happen in Superbowl Shuffle too? The Bangers are loaded for bear with the hopes that Tim Tebow can be the key to a playoff run. The Bangers hope that stud Lesean McCoy can continue putting up numbers with hopes his receivers start to produce.

Have a good week everybody!

Out with the old, In with the new

Hello Interwebbers with the Wifis and the bits and the bytes. I’m here for you all. I was gone but now I’m back. I’m just delusional enough to believe that you may have missed my blog last week and I have an explanation. I’m aging. Now before half of this league collectively rolls there eyes, please understand. I’ve just had my 33rd birthday which was the age of Jesus when he died. Now I have made everyone collectively roll their eyes. I’m also 4 years older than my dad when I was born which means I’m dang close to the age when my sister Jodi was born. Make no mistake, I’m not going through a midlife crisis. I have committed to buying a van and I will make good on that commitment. I’m not even really sure what I “classic” car from 1995 would be at this point (a Corsica? a Neon?). I will also never buy the skinny jeans or the neon colored clothes the kids wear now with their hippin and their hoppin. But I am a bit nostalgic. Please keep fresh in your mind while I explain myself, I have not been helping myself with this condition of reminiscing.  I have “celebrated” my 10 year college reunion by driving back to my 2nd hometown Fargo-Moorhead and visiting my old haunts and old friends (yes, I had friends...some). My son has started school this year. He is old enough where I have memories of his age. And when I get a word in edgewise I talk about it. He listens to them but I know that if he wasn’t 5 or half my size he would nod politely to my stories and “that must have been a nice time for you” and change the subject. I have also been in the process of going through house cleaning before winter which is full of memories. For instance, yes I still have my Superman cape from when I was 6 and no I don’t wear it anymore. It’s for my sons to wear only now. I definitely do NOT wear it under my business casual Land’s End shirt for for some extra confidence for a big day at work. That’s just creepy.

And finally I have just recently seen a very good documentary on my favorite band of all time which takes me back to the good ol’ days. Back to a much simpler time when your choices were tape or CD. Back when your favorite band was actually on MTV and it’s not because they are pregnant or can fist pump. That band was Pearl Jam. Even though it’s been 20 years and I’m a self conscious that they were because I’m well aware that they became iconic for the grunge scene at the time which is now as outdated as a goatee, a hemp necklace, or a flannel shirt with non blue collar purposes. The documentary was exceptional but I came to realize how old this band is and how different they are now. I have a bucket list of concerts I want to go to and they are on this list. So far, the only band I can cross of is Springsteen. I saw them 3 years ago and it was very memorable. However I couldn’t help but think that though they played all of their most treasured songs, it was much more like a tribute concert than brand new experience for the band and for the crowd. The crowd knew every song and they had certain movements or chants with every song because the songs were played over and over for 20-40 years. There was was no new ground explored and no new experiences to be had. The idealism the of the 70s version of the band has changed to an idealism of the aughts. Overall, it made me want to get in my George Carlin commissioned telephone booth and go back to see the 70s version. I feel that my all time favorite band since I existed, Pearl Jam,  would now be the same way too. I would have an experience if I went now but ultimately I would wish to have bought a ticket when I was 13 and head to the mosh pit. Which if anyone knew what I looked like at the time knows would have been either incredibly comical or possibly fatal.

New inspiration and talent is popping up from new and mostly younger people daily. We can see progress in a variety of mediums and at my age that can be threatening but I can also be very good. It’s a constant out with the old and in with the new. And while the old is to be celebrated, what we ultimately celebrate is what they were like when they were new. For example:



MP3s vs. Streaming: At one point we all hated the idea of music being trapped on our computer, CDs were just so much more versatile you know? And lo, everyone has some type of MP3 player. But at least we could own the music, even if it was electronically. Now with Pandora or Spotify(which I highly recommend) you don’t even have the pleasure of owning something anymore. It’s somewhere in the ether or “cloud.”  But it’s now cheaper and more comprehensive. I don’t have to secretly own a copy of “Right Here Waiting for You” by Richard Marx. I can just listen to it on Spotify after everyone else is asleep with my mullet wig on. My mullet wig is permed in the back...Kentucky Waterfall style.

Original movies making the most money/ People blindly going to blockbusters like they have a subscription to them: Back in my day the best movies seemed to make the most money. Consider this top ten:

http://boxofficemojo.com/yearly/chart/?yr=1994&p=.htm vs this: http://boxofficemojo.com/yearly/chart/?yr=2011&p=.htm

Either people compulsively go to terrible movies because we feel the need to pay for tremendous psychological and sensoral pain or we’ve lost any idea of constitutes a meaningful film or an original idea. That being said:  http://tinyurl.com/73usldq

Donovan McNabb / Christian Ponder: McNabb is one year older than me. He’s been to a Superbowl and to a ton of pro bowls. He’s got soup money. The Eagles were on point to make another Superbowl run with him. Then the Redskins happened and now he’s our problem. I was actually in favor of the move since I know that Gino Torretta and John David Booty happens all the time. However, it became apparent that, like many an aging superstar in Minneapolis, he said all the right things but you could see in his eyes he was thinking “What am I doing in this god forsaken frozen hostile wasteland?” While Favre being here and leaving was much like this video:



McNabb being here was like this video:



It’s the same sentiment but less believable. And without a keyboard attached to a wall at a loading dock. (Although those kids are crazy talented. Especially lead guitar. Amazing)


Dominant Defenses / The Packers as a good defense: I just remember the Ravens, the Steelers, the Giants, the Redskins even the 49ers they would shut you down and you were lucky to get 14-10 win and have less than 3 players injured. Right now the Packers defense is seen as one of the top defenses in the league and they are giving up just as many yards as the Packers are gaining on offense and just as many first downs. They are 31st in the league in passing yards allowed. Their points allowed isn’t great either. But because their offense is stratospheric in scoring they are undefeated. They remind me of the 1998 Vikings except they probably won’t choke. (These last 2 years are a nightmare right? I’m going to wake up soon. I need a totem like in the movie Inception)


Well here’s to the new day. Here’s the matchups. I’m not giving a complete rundown but I’m going to highlight key bye week losses for each team:


Big Blows vs Team Boys Club: Blows: Jonathan Stewart /  Club: Adrian Peterson and Visanthe Shiancoe

Levanger’s Bangers vs Team Kent: Bangers: Steve Smith / Jason Hanson / Kent: No one (really)

B. Dalton Brookdale Mall vs Mono Peligroso Mall: No One / Peligroso: Deangelo Williams aka No one

Big Ben’s Life Coaches vs Kardia Kidz: Kidz: Cam Newton /  Lifecoaches: Maurice Jones-Drew

We Don’t Fumble We Mumble vs. Rain Dancer: Fumble: Lions D, Matthew Stafford, Percy Harvin / Dancer: Calvin Johnson, Jahvid Best.


Well we have a lot of kindred spirits up against each other this week. We have sons vs. fathers, brothers in law. We have a battle for first place in the Einhorn division. Remember we have 8 spots in the Playoffs this year. I admit that’s kind of like handing out particpation ribbons but anything can happen once you get there. Let’s get it done!

Ineptitude

Hey everybody!

Sorry about last week not including anything on the blog. (Or should I say you’re welcome?) Well I had some business to take care of. That business was to take a stroll down memory lane or more specifically take a drive down 13th in Fargo and 8th in Moorhead, MN. 10 years ago I was finishing up my education up there and was surviving in my meal plan that I’m still paying for and ramen. At the end I literally ate ramen every time my meal plan ran out even though I had 2 jobs. Then I moved home and lived in my parent’s basement. The End.

What was also happening ten years ago Denny Green was finishing up his tenure at the Minnesota Vikings after a 5-11 season. We beat the Packers 35-13 once that year with someone named Doug Chapman running the ball and Daunte Culpepper taking or fumbling the snaps with his incredibly small hands.

Thinking about what the future would be after Denny Green, no one may have guessed that ten years later the franchise would have gone through 3 coaches, numerous scandals(someone with Randy Moss and some without), Brett Favre being QB for the Packers and repeatedly schooling us except for 1 playoff game which is now only remembered because Randy Moss became a mime after a decisive touchdown, then Favre became our QB, got piledrived, suplexed, and DDT after the play was over and took us to a field goal to go to the Superbowl, decided he couldn’t run 5 yards and then it was all over. Now we have to face the defending Superbowl champions, with Asher Allen (because Chris Cook is 6 foot 2 inches of idiot) trying to stop the Packers 7 wide receivers who get the ball, with a rookie quarterback playing his first game, while the state struggles to decide whether to build the team a new stadium while the NFL says get a stadium or the team will probably move to LA.

In no way am I compulsively eating chicken and oriental flavored ramen repeatedly while listening to “Drops of Jupiter” and “Lady Marmalade” over and over on a black and white screened Ipod with a v - neck Abercrombie and Fitch t-shirt on. Is it too late to sign Doug Chapman?

I wanted to talk stadiums as there is a chance all this hand wringing will be done and the LA Vikings will play the San Diego Chargers twice a year. It’s an interesting discussion as you look back at other stadium deals in the last decade and how some insight from the NBA can add a different perspective to how we talk about it. The main sentiment here is no taxpayer should have to pay for a private business especially in an American economic equivalent to M. Night Shyamalan’s last 3 movies (recent pop culture reference!)  because the American people have decided to simultaneously treat their money either like Gordon Gekko (80s reference!), Latrell Sprewell (90s!), or Lenny Dykstra (80s and 90s!). For those of you playing the Superbowl Shuffle pop culture reference drinking game you are now drunk. Pretend reader, do not blame me for playing a game that no one could have possibly invented that fictionally inebriated you based on my delusions. The American economy sounds like this right now:



ANYWAY, we’ll talk stadiums later.


Since I didn’t have a Week 6 preview and I got a lot of calls, emails and letters asking for one. Here it is:

Week 6:

Kardiac Kidz vs Bangers - The Kidz will make their run starting today as they have Miles Austin back against questionable NE defense and a promising Victor Cruz seems to be the leading receiver in NY. The Bangers lineup...I mean look at it....yuck...50 points max this week.

Big Ben’s Lifecoaches vs Mono Peligroso : the Lifecoaches are need to get to .500 but Ahmad Bradshaw will be shut down this week so the hope is that Chad Ochocinco travels back in time and switches places with Chad Johnson from 2005 to help the cause. On the other side expect Peyton Hillis to have a breakthrough game. Being on the cover of Madden seems to inspire those players to greatness the next year.

Team Boy’s Club vs Brookdale Mall - This is my choice for the highest scoring game of the week as Brookdale Mall has running backs that are playing tough defenses and Boys Club running backs have the chance to score big against easy defenses. Expect James Starks and Adrian Peterson to have big games. It’s gonna be a blowout one way or another.  

Rain Dancer vs Big Blows - Rain Dancer is on a 3 game winning streak and needs Eli Manning, who is definitely better than Mark Sanchez, to have a big game because Fred Jackson and Frank Gore have some tough matchups. The Big Blows have their best lineup out there as Jordy Nelson and Jonathan Stewart look on their way out.

Fumble/Mumble vs Team Kent - Losing Chris Johnson to bye week will be difficult for Fumble/Mumble but Team Kent is inadvisably starting Rashard Mendenhall who is hurt and probably won’t do much this week. Should be a close game.

So hear is a Week 7 look:

Big Blows vs. Fumble Mumble: The future father in law vs the future son in law. Does the son in-law let his father in law win to gain favor? What will happen to the engagement if the father in law loses?  Is there a mysterious person making moves for father in law behind the scenes? Do the women involved in this situation even care? This would make for the worst romantic comedy movie ever. I’m gonna call it “The Waiver Wire.”

Team Kent: Big Ben’s Life Coaches - Kent is projected for 133 and Lifecoaches 75. Is 133 even possible without Brady? Is it possible for CJ Spiller to make history by being on a bye week and still scoring points? We will see.

Mono Peligroso vs. Team Boys Club - Vick’s on a bye and Hillis is out. It’s now up to Doug Baldwin and Jackie Battle to come through for Peligroso. That is the first time anyone has said that sentence ever. Boys Club has 6 normal starters on bye this week so Drew Brees and Adrian Peterson will need to dominate the points and hopefully someone else will step up.

Brookdale Mall vs. Kardiac Kidz - Brookdale’s on a 3 game winning streak but has some unproven running backs in this weeks and looks to be over .500 against a struggling Kidz team that was hurt by their #1 pick being out for the year Week 2. Will someone on the Kidz make a move to save this team? Will there be a trade or a Waiver Wire pick up to turn this around?

Levanger’s Bangers vs. Rain Dancer - I’m gonna go ahead and say that these 2 don’t like each other. I’m gonna go ahead and say that after this week is over these 2 will meet somewhere halfway in the Twin Cities and shake hands like Jim Harbaugh and Jim Schwartz did last week. Which one will untuck their shirt? Which one will uncomfortably bump shoulders with the other and transfer all the blood platelets in their body to their face? I like to imagine that when they meet after this week they will both be wearing headsets and khakis.

I'm going to end this as one of my sons is sitting next to me and reading a book that has "Lonely" in big letters in the title. Have a good week!

Bye Bye Bye!!!!!

Holla!

It’s the first bye week which to me is kind of like the first day of spring. Everything is the same yet everything looks and feels different. While you are pondering that philosophically bankrupt thought, I’m on to bigger and better things. What would that be you ask? That is what you are asking right? I mean at this point in my commisionership I’m assuming that everyone clicks on the link to the blog say “What is that guy doin next?” I’m like the Lady Gaga of fantasy football blogs. The analogy works because I’m explosively creative and because I wear a meat suit while I type these.

The answer to the question buried in the paragraph above is that I’m watching the Ohio State vs Nebraska game. It’s quite the game as when I started Ohio State was up by 21 and now they are down by 7. Donovan McNabb just clicked “like” next to this game on Facebook.

Anyway, Ohio State and Nebraska have a long history of winning teams. Ohio State has won 7 national championships, won 7 Rose Bowls and 36 Conference titles and in 2010 only lost once the entire season. With their star QB Terrelle Pryor coming back the next year things were looking up when it was discovered before the Sugar Bowl that five players including Pryor had violated NCAA guidelines for trading memorobilia and equipment for tattoos at a local tattoo parlor. What was worse is that Jim Tressell, the head coach had know about it for about a year and did not report the violations to the OSU compliance office. This brought about a firestorm of negative media leading to Tressell’s resignation, suspensions for the players, and vacating winning 2011 season.

This is not uncommon in college football and in many cases the violations of NCAA rules have been even more serious. Like in the case of SMU in the 80s, boosters bribed high school kids to commit to play for SMU, including NFL legend Eric Dickerson. SMU eventually destroyed the entire football program which resulted in 2 entire seasons being canceled and the following years not even able to field a football team to compete as they lost 55 scholarships over 4 years. Let’s face it NCAA Division 1 football and baskeball are professional sports where the product is amateurs. It’s like a for profit business where the employees live and eat in the companies building but are ultimately volunteers. The intention of the NCAA is right but the execution is wrong just about the time that TV contracts and game attendance gets involved.

The good news is professional players don’t have these problems right? Well yes, they don’t need to care about accepting money or talking with agents because that is now a large part of their job. It doesn’t stop them from upping the ante on delinquency and overall creepiness. I mean there is no way that highly paid professionals with an image and advertising revenue at stake could risk it all to be involved in a fight that eventually killed someone. Or renting a boat to turn Lake Minnetonka into Lake Havasu. Or doing anything that would involve the word “Whizzinator” or “domestic dispute.” Right now I have 2 fantasy teams and I can pick out five key players on those teams whose job application to a Chick fil a would be shredded because of what we in the hood like to refer to as “priors.”

Kenny Britt - one count of reckless driving and two counts of resisting arrest. (Is it possible to resist arrest twice during one stop? He can show you.) He was playing well this year until he was injured for the year.

Michael Vick – I’m not going into details because it was all over the news and a description would include the word heinous and creepy multiple times. 2 year prison term. Just signed a huge deal with Nike and with the Eagles.

Cam Newton – During is stint at Auburn, evidence came to light that his dad had solicited colleges to get large sums of money in return for Cam playing at their school. He was ineligible for 3 days and won a national championship. He is now a candidate for NFL rookie of the year. I’m starting him this week.

Santonio Holmes – This list may have also been Ike Turner’s resume in the 70s.

2006 – Disorderly conduct, domestic violence, assault

2008- Drug Possession

2010 – Threw a glass at someone in a nightclub. Not initially charged with anything but the case is reopened. Got kicked off an airplane for refusing to turn of his iPOD

Dez Bryant – Improper contact with Deion Sanders during college(This sounds incredibly funny as I type this). Anytime you have Deion Sanders as an adviser you know somewhere you took a really wrong turn. Also took hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of jewelry and allegedly did not pay for it. Case has supposedly being settled. He’s the #1 wide receiver on the Cowboys currently.

Brandon Marshall – I’m afraid to type this one just in case he googles his name and randomly this blog appears.  Assault of a police officer, disorderly conduct, resisting arrest, DUI, illegal lane change (?), no liscense and registration (look out!), misdemeanor battery. Not of his doing, his wife allegedly stabbed him in the stomach and was charged with aggravated battery with a deadly weapon.  All joking aside, in his case an exception needs to be made as he has been diagnosed with borderline personaliy disorder and is seeking treatment. There have been no other incidents since he started treatment.

Ultimately what’s bothersome about me talking about this subject is this is a game. It’s a game that is designed for kids to play and is supposed to be for kids to watch athletes performing at the peak of their physical capabilities and talent. Yet, since kids have no money, it’s designed now for adults who love and loved sports back when they remember it as a simple game. For the most part, it’s designed for sports geeks (a distinction I plan to talk about in another post). With the kind of coverage we have of sports now it’s difficult for me to endorse with my viewership to my kids sports that are predominantly positive but make questionable ethical decisions and adopt scrupulous tactics to maintain popularity. Whether it’s politics or movies and television or religious leaders or sports when you marry celebrity with large sums of money it’s very easy to simultaneously break laws and rules and maintain your career with punishments being incredibly light relative to any lower or middle class bloke   committing the same infractions. You can blame Roger Goodell or special interest groups or the media but they aren’t the ones that sit through the ads before and after every kickoff, every halftime. They aren’t the ones on ESPN.com or buying the jerseys or tickets. In a way, we’ve perpetuated a subculture that champions productivity over ethics and benefit over cost.  Hopefully, this subculture does not become the culture.

On that note a crazy whacky video!!!!!!!!!!!!

We are ¼ of the way into the regular season and here are the standings. 

Let’s look at the matchups this week.

Levanger’s Bangers vs. Team Boys Club – Much like Kanye West, the Bangers are back after a tough 2010. They took down their archrivals Peligroso last week and won the non-optional, unabashedly corporte GMC sponsored Never Say Never award last week. “GMC :  Our 2050 business plan:  You will be forced to live in your truck because the apocalypse has leveled all buildings and cars except ours. Our patented scavenger cam will help you identify and neutralize trespassers before they sneak up on your to steal your remaining Chef Boyardee cans. GMC: surviving the apocalypse. ” Team Boys Club is going to keep the streak alive as the last remaining undefeated team. Worst to first so far.

Kardiac Kidz vs. Big Ben’s Lifecoaches – It’s been a tough low-scoring year for the Kidz and Bill Hall hope to get some solace by winning his fantasy Ohio St. vs Michigan game against his son Chris Hall whose top scorer was Greg Olsen last week which tells you how he did.

Big Blows vs. Brookdale Mall – The Blows dominated the reigning champ last week and look to continue against Brookdale who was starting to look like the Brookdale mall itself but got his first win last week thanks to consistent performances all around by his players.

Rain Dancer vs We Don’t Fumble We Mumble: Brother in law vs future brother in law as Rain Dancer hopes to say “welcome to the family” with a punch in the face in the form of Chris Johnson this week. Fumble Mumble has a 2010 lineup that has been playing likeit’s 2015 and they are all past their prime. Hopefully he can get something out of the 2010 all stars.

Team Kent vs Mono Peligroso – Will Beanie Wells come through for Team Kent? Should anyone named Beanie even be given a football in the NFL? These are questions that will be answered this week as Team Kent wipes away the tears from the first loss last week and tries to overcome the bye and the loss of Rashad Mendenhall. Peligroso hopes to get over .500 and use Mendenhall’s handcuff Isaac Redman to beat Team Kent over the head incessantly and avenge his 1 point loss in the championship. Revenge is best served cold or in this case in the form of a former Golden Gopher.

Everybody have a great week!