How’s everyone’s weekend? I spent my weekend working busily working away on a yard that takes as much as it gives. It’s getting colder and it’s dry and I’m not sure why but living things like plants and grass are rating this 1 stars out of 5. I was laboring away at what seems to be my second job during warm weather and removing a large amount of weeds from the cracks in our driveway. While violently hacking at the weeds I uncovered a thousands of ants. It appears that an entire civilization of ants decided to live in the dirt in a crack in our driveway and much like Godzilla or Killer Tomatoes I have upended their way of life and sent their community into mass hysteria. How would I calm the masses down? Get the bottle of bug stop of course.
While napalming the ant equivalent of NYC in deadly poison (anticide?) , I got to thinking about fantasy football. I must give the ants credit, once I started doing this it was clear that had emergency measures for such an occasion. They dispatched a military unit bent on destroying the enemy and it hurt. While they were doing their patriotic duty and attempting to render me limb from limb, it occurred to me that I haven’t talked about prizes for this year.
For everyone who likes story resolution, I did survive with my limbs intact. I’m not typing this by breathing through a straw. I was able to disarm the ant equivalent to Will Smith and Randy Quaid as the were ripping apart my ankles and presumably digging a hole in my neck to get to my nervous system. Without further ado let’s get this started!!!!!!
Much like Oprah’s favorite things episode (everyone here watches Oprah right?....like every day right? LOVE George Clooney) I’m upping the ante. As I type this I picture everyone in front a computer jumping up and uncontrollably dancing and shaking or uncontrollably bawling. That’s what fantasy football is all about! Hopefully I can up the ante like every year like she does although at this point I think next year’s is basically going to be that everyone in the audience gets their own (Get it? OWN!!!) network talk show, a leer jet, a unicorn, and Taylor Swift’s new perfume (why does Ryan know so much about Taylor Swift or perfume?).
While napalming the ant equivalent of NYC in deadly poison (anticide?) , I got to thinking about fantasy football. I must give the ants credit, once I started doing this it was clear that had emergency measures for such an occasion. They dispatched a military unit bent on destroying the enemy and it hurt. While they were doing their patriotic duty and attempting to render me limb from limb, it occurred to me that I haven’t talked about prizes for this year.
For everyone who likes story resolution, I did survive with my limbs intact. I’m not typing this by breathing through a straw. I was able to disarm the ant equivalent to Will Smith and Randy Quaid as the were ripping apart my ankles and presumably digging a hole in my neck to get to my nervous system. Without further ado let’s get this started!!!!!!
Much like Oprah’s favorite things episode (everyone here watches Oprah right?....like every day right? LOVE George Clooney) I’m upping the ante. As I type this I picture everyone in front a computer jumping up and uncontrollably dancing and shaking or uncontrollably bawling. That’s what fantasy football is all about! Hopefully I can up the ante like every year like she does although at this point I think next year’s is basically going to be that everyone in the audience gets their own (Get it? OWN!!!) network talk show, a leer jet, a unicorn, and Taylor Swift’s new perfume (why does Ryan know so much about Taylor Swift or perfume?).
Anyway I hope you like it. I kept the gift receipt and you can take it back if you need to:
1st place - $30 gift card + ESPN the Magazine subscription +British Knights - That’s right not only is the money increase but you get ESPN the Magazine. This magazine also includes ESPN Insider let’s you into a secret society where you can know all the information that a 5 networks and a 24 hour TV network dedicated to over-analysis of sports won’t tell you. It may or may not help you with FF next year. AND then of course British Knights shoes because it was my dream as a child to go on Nickelodeon’s Double Dare and win the obstacle course which always had a pair of British Knights high tops for a prize...it was the eighties. Will I really give shoes as a prize? It’s anyone’s guess at this point.
2nd place - $15 gift card+ ESPN the magazine subscription - To the second place team goes a second place prize. If you want BK shoes you better go to Payless.
Highest scorer -$10 gift card - Knock, knock...who’s there? Alexander Hamilton, that's who
Consolation - $5 gift card - You can console yourself with a five...five dollar...five dollar footlong. May I suggest the “too little to late” on wheat with extra loser.
8th seed - You get the 8th seed in the playoffs. Shouldn’t that be enough for you? Does everything always have to be about you? “What am I going to get after I finish 8th out of 12 teams”?
Last place - You get to stand at the end of my driveway next summer and offer retribution to the ants I annihilated. Truth is that I haven’t thought about this one yet. I’m going to think it through and get back to you.
On to the matchups:
Mono Peligroso vs Fumble/Mumble - There is lots of P’s and Q’s and O’s out there and one big one will be Peyton Hillis who is and “O”. This does not stand for overrated, but maybe it should. Actually that may be a big loss for Peligroso who keeps the regular season streak alive at 8 straight wins. He may also need to keep an eye on Vick too as he viciously head butted his own lineman last week. Fumble/Mumble isn’t in much better shape as he’s got some substantial D’s and Q’s and needs something/anything from Chris Johnson who is averaging 4 million dollars a point this year so far.
Big Ben’s Life Coaches vs Rain Dancer - The Life Coaches must have been laughing maniacally after seeing Romo get broken ribs last week (he’s a Redskins fan) but not really having alternatives for this week. The Cowboys play the Redskins this week. Rain Dancer tops the league in Points Against so far this year and leaving Fred Jackson and 120 points on the bench last week.
Brookdale Mall vs Team Kent - Much like the team’s namesake, Brookdale Mall has severely underachieved so far. But looks good on paper. After diving into the free agency market this week he hopes to get a win. Team Kent is 2-0 after winning a the GMC Never Say Never closest fantasy game last week. This is brought to you by our inadvertent sponsor GMC. GMC...everything we make is friggin huge.
Boys Club vs Kardiac Kidz - The team with the #1 spot in the draft is 2-0. Drew Brees is being all Drew Breesy and Adrian Peterson is being all Adrian Petersony. She’s hoping the rest of her team can be consistent as the list of names sounds like last years free agent list.
Levangers Bangers vs Big Blows: The Bangers have the second highest Points Against and the second highest Points For in the league and are subsequently 1-1. If he’s going to keep that up he’s going to need something better from Schaub who is supposed to have a shoot out with New Orleans. Hopefully he throws a ball that inadvertently clocks NO defensive coordinator Greg Williams in the head. (I need closure!) For the Big Blows they are 1-1 with a strong showing in a loss last week thanks to Desean Jackson switching jerseys with Jeremy Maclin. Both teams have an Eagles wide receiver. Will Vick pass to Jackson or Maclin...or maybe Mike Quick or Mark Wahlberg will take the field. We’ll see.
The 2011 Superbowl Shuffle week 3 is at hand. Now get out there and win!
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