Favorite Things

How’s everyone’s weekend? I spent my weekend working busily working away on a yard that takes as much as it gives. It’s getting colder and it’s dry and I’m not sure why but living things like plants and grass are rating this 1 stars out of 5. I was laboring away at what seems to be my second job during warm weather and removing a large amount of weeds from the cracks in our driveway. While violently hacking at the weeds I uncovered a thousands of ants. It appears that an entire civilization of ants decided to live in the dirt in a crack in our driveway and much like Godzilla or Killer Tomatoes I have upended their way of life and sent their community into mass hysteria. How would I calm the masses down? Get the bottle of bug stop of course.

While napalming the ant equivalent of NYC in deadly poison (anticide?) , I got to thinking about fantasy football. I must give the ants credit, once I started doing this it was clear that had emergency measures for such an occasion. They dispatched a military unit bent on destroying the enemy and it hurt. While they were doing their patriotic duty and attempting to render me limb from limb, it occurred to me that I haven’t talked about prizes for this year.

For everyone who likes story resolution, I did survive with my limbs intact. I’m not typing this by breathing through a straw. I was able to disarm the ant equivalent to Will Smith and Randy Quaid as the were ripping apart my ankles and presumably digging a hole in my neck to get to my nervous system. Without further ado let’s get this started!!!!!!

Much like Oprah’s favorite things episode (everyone here watches Oprah right?....like every day right? LOVE George Clooney) I’m upping the ante. As I type this I picture everyone in front a computer jumping up and uncontrollably dancing and shaking or uncontrollably bawling. That’s what fantasy football is all about! Hopefully I can up the ante like every year like she does although at this point I think next year’s is basically going to be that everyone in the audience gets their own (Get it? OWN!!!) network talk show, a leer jet, a unicorn, and Taylor Swift’s new perfume (why does Ryan know so much about Taylor Swift or perfume?). 

Anyway I hope you like it. I kept the gift receipt and you can take it back if you need to:

1st place - $30 gift card + ESPN the Magazine subscription +British Knights - That’s right not only is the money increase but you get ESPN the Magazine. This magazine also includes ESPN Insider let’s you into a secret society where you can know all the information that a 5 networks and a 24 hour TV network dedicated to over-analysis of sports won’t tell you. It may or may not help you with FF next year. AND then of course British Knights shoes because it was my dream as a child to go on Nickelodeon’s Double Dare and win the obstacle course which always had a pair of British Knights high tops for a prize...it was the eighties. Will I really give shoes as a prize? It’s anyone’s guess at this point.

2nd place - $15 gift card+ ESPN the magazine subscription - To the second place team goes a second place prize. If you want BK shoes you better go to Payless.

Highest scorer -$10 gift card - Knock, knock...who’s there? Alexander Hamilton, that's who

Consolation - $5 gift card - You can console yourself with a five...five dollar...five dollar footlong. May I suggest the “too little to late” on wheat with extra loser.
8th seed - You get the 8th seed in the playoffs. Shouldn’t that be enough for you? Does everything always have to be about you? “What am I  going to get after I finish 8th out of 12 teams”?
Last place -  You get to stand at the end of my driveway next summer and offer retribution to the ants I annihilated. Truth is that I haven’t thought about this one yet. I’m going to think it through and get back to you.

On to the matchups:




Mono Peligroso vs Fumble/Mumble - There is lots of P’s and Q’s and O’s out there and one big one will be Peyton Hillis who is and “O”. This does not stand for overrated, but maybe it should. Actually that may be a big loss for Peligroso who keeps the regular season streak alive at 8 straight wins. He may also need to keep an eye on Vick too as he viciously head butted his own lineman last week. Fumble/Mumble isn’t in much better shape as he’s got some substantial D’s and Q’s and needs something/anything from Chris Johnson who is averaging 4 million dollars a point this year so far.
Big Ben’s Life Coaches vs Rain Dancer - The Life Coaches must have been laughing maniacally after seeing Romo get broken ribs last week (he’s a Redskins fan) but not really having alternatives for this week. The Cowboys play the Redskins this week. Rain Dancer tops the league in Points Against so far this year and leaving Fred Jackson and 120 points on the bench last week.
Brookdale Mall vs Team Kent - Much like the team’s namesake, Brookdale Mall has severely underachieved so far. But looks good on paper. After diving into the free agency market this week he hopes to get a win. Team Kent is 2-0 after winning a the GMC Never Say Never closest fantasy game last week. This is brought to you by our inadvertent sponsor GMC. GMC...everything we make is friggin huge.
Boys Club vs Kardiac Kidz - The team with the #1 spot in the draft is 2-0. Drew Brees is being all Drew Breesy and Adrian Peterson is being all Adrian Petersony. She’s hoping the rest of her team can be consistent as the list of names sounds like last years free agent list.
Levangers Bangers vs Big Blows: The Bangers have the second highest Points Against and the second highest Points For in the league and are subsequently 1-1. If he’s going to keep that up he’s going to need something better from Schaub who is supposed to have a shoot out with New Orleans. Hopefully he throws a ball that inadvertently clocks NO defensive coordinator Greg Williams in the head. (I need closure!) For the Big Blows they are 1-1 with a strong showing in a loss last week thanks to Desean Jackson switching jerseys with Jeremy Maclin. Both teams have an Eagles wide receiver. Will Vick pass to Jackson or Maclin...or maybe Mike Quick or Mark Wahlberg will take the field. We’ll see.


The 2011 Superbowl Shuffle week 3 is at hand. Now get out there and win!

Week 2 reaction

Ballers!

What’s happenin? How was week 2?

Comment on it below. Hit the link that say comment to leave one. Here I’ll start:

Dear Vikings, thank you for kicking field goals this year, in general scoring points, and forcing teams to punt once in a while. Now it’s time to get in shape and learn the playbook. We can’t blame Bryant McKinnie, Brett Favre, or Brad Childress anymore.

Also sorry to Kardiac Kidz for losing a top 10 running back to a first down mat and a team mascot. I wish I was kidding. Look at this:

No crazy gang tackle, no leading with the helmet, no cleats stuck in the grass, no contact at all. Too bad.
Comment away about this last week. There was too much weirdness and injuries to not have a story or two about this week. Also trophies and prizes for the team with the most comments/messages this year.

Week 2 preview

Team Kent vs. Rain Dancer: So the reigning champion still has some mojo and passed it on to his #1 pick Tom Brady. In addition to having a historic 517 yards passing last week. He made headlines this week by telling fans to get lubed up before the game so that that New England fans would be raucous for the game at home. But I happen to have some inside information that he really wants the men to get lubed up because there is a better chance that they would talk themselves into buy these before the game. You be the judge. Let’s hope he doesn’t decide to wear them during the game. Rain Dancer has a strong receiving core and should expect a better performance from Ben Roethlisberger this week...or he may just go out there without an offensive line to give himself more time to pass.

Kardiac Kidz vs. Fumble/Mumble: The Kidz had a tough week last week scoring 49 points but looks to have Phillip Rivers and Jamaal Charles perform like their old selves. I need to have Jamaal Charles step it up...if anyone is listening please let Jamaal Charles get some TDs...I’m definitely not asking because I have a league were there is money as stake...I don’t have a problem...I can quit any time. Much like the Lakers in playoffs last year, The Kidz desperately need a rebound. And it will be against Fumble/Mumble who will need some help from an underperforming Chris Johnson after losing Steven Jackson due to his regularly scheduled injury break. Let’s hope that Matthew Stafford decides to cancel his annual injury vacation this year.

Big Blows vs. Mono Peligroso - Aaron Rodgers is a man! He drives a Dodge Stratus! I didn’t see last weeks game as I chose to stare blankly out my window in a dark room while listening to Tears for Fears “Everybody Wants to Rule The World” rather than have to witness the Vikes 2 rivals not play defense. Big Blows plans on having a repeat performance and for LeGarrette Blount and Knowshon Moreno show up to play against Michael Vick, Kenny Britt, and Santonio Holmes or as I like to call them, the “Folsom Prison All Stars.” Peligroso has kept his winning ways and might as well be wearing a worn out Patriots hoodie at this point. Will this be a dynasty? We’ll see

Boys Club vs Big Ben’s Life Coaches: I know that I’m risking a jinx here but Boys Club made good on my grade “AAA+” rating her draft last week scoring 128 points with Brees, AP, the Ravens ridiculous defense, and Wes Welker who sold his soul in order to become a real life Tecmo Bowl character. He scored 29 points and may not have been tackled the entire game. I’m not bitter. As for Big Ben’s Life Coaches, I’m not sure if how a Redskins fan drafted Tony Romo and could sleep soundly the rest of his life but I have a feeling it was so he could have the pleasure of benching him. Also this may be the first time this has been said in 4 years but it can be argued that Chad Ochocinco won last weeks game. His 1 reception that probably came after Brady was bored with passing to everyone else scored 1 point which ended up being the difference. Congrats GMC Never Say Never Week 1 winner. Queue Bob Seger’s “Like A Rock”. Let’s hope we never have to have Chad Ochocinco decide the fate of anything ever again.

Bangers vs Brookdale Mall: Can you score 103 points and lose? You definitely can last week with massive amounts of offense in almost every game. 3 other teams would have beat Levangers Bangers last week with that point total. With Ray Rice and Darren McFadden looking good the Bangers hope that Schaub figures something out this week and actually passes to his own team more. He will face Brookdale Mall which produced what will now be known as a “Donovan McNabb” last week. Looks good on paper...and by paper I mean toilet paper. 65 points last week, but in looking at his moves and who he’s starting should be a force. Had his same lineup for this week started last week he would have scored 111 points. Of course that’s like saying if the Vikings would have signed Rex Grossman we would have had 300 more yards than McNabb did last week. It’s all shoulda woulda coulda and in the end we would have had Rex Grossman...this court is adjourned. Take a look at this link of the leading scorers last week and look at how many are still free agents: Week 1 Scoring leaders. 

Scary.

Here is hoping you all have a good Sunday. Hope to see you in the mesage boards or in the blog comments.

Nu Thangs

Hey ho

So we’re through with the first week of the year. Is FF all new again or is it like we never left?

I’m personally happy so far with this years draft and with this years first week and the waiver wire. Everyone had a solid draft this year which means that it’s not a matter of what place you were in or what kind of insider knowledge someone had but rather who performs, who gets injured and how the waiver is played. We’ve definitely have some improved parity which will hopefully make each week more exciting.

So I’m hoping to both make Sundays and the rest of the week not only more exciting but more social. I plan to post on the blog more and not only that but my plan is to open up the message board even more and give an award to the most social of socialites on the board. I will take all the best of the message board postings whether on the matchup smack boards, the main message board, and the comments on the blog and post them on Tuesdays or Wednesdays.

(I just want to give everyone a side note related to this:  I’ve learned from experience that if you are not a part of the league that you are talking/bragging/complaining about your stories about your Arian Foster problem or close you were to winning if Darren McFadden would have just had a few more carries get met with the same stare that Forrest Gump has when Bubba talks about shrimp ("Andre Johnson, Stevie Johnson,Chris Johnson, Calvin Johnson...) . Only Forrest has that stare all the time and I'm pretty sure he was always listening . So please share with us, we’ll understand)

Also, I’m going to do some live message boarding of a few games this year. I’m hoping people will want to participate live and contribute to the conversation. My live posting of games will involve game commentary and league commentary. I’m hoping that is fun.

Apparently there is an automatic award that is given every week now to the winner of the game with the closest score. This is sponsored by GMC. And by sponsored I mean GMC is giving money to ESPN to do this. Phone calls to ESPN to get my cut of the money have been left unreturned. Still good to see that you have a chance to earn a star each week. What’s in it for you if you have the most stars? Well right now nothing but over the years I’m sure there will be. You get 3 stars if you win it all and the other star awards vary based on the award.

I still want to evalute, speculate, postulate, formulate, discombobulate,  integrate, salivate, serate, berate, Ben Tate, relate, magistrate,  permeate and communicate our league preview each week. We’ll see how it goes.

Finally, I have some cool ideas for prizes this year. I’m trying to continue to up the ante, raise the stakes. Incentives help with league member investment however I think what makes everyone more invested is the fun of being able to compete with friends and family.


Anyway, I’m doin a Nu Thang :

What I love is this kid’s upper torso length to leg length ratio is so out of proportion that I’m not sure how he is coordinated enough even if he’s mailing in his imitation Christian hip-hop moves.  He reminds me of me in the video because at that age I was mostly legs and huge feet. I looked like a cartoon character.

Any stories from last Sunday or commentary on the coming week? Put it in the comments now!